Sorting out Memories

As I contemplate another move, it seems time to deal with some of the boxes of stuff that I have been moving with me over the last 15 years. These boxes are things that are full of 'important" stuff that I can't throw out but I need to find another way to deal with them.

So the first couple of boxes that I am tackling are the boxes full of notes, letters, crafts, cards from my kids when they were much younger. So much stuff, so much love in these boxes but it is taking up space. It is time to do something with them.

I decided to sort them all out. Put them into piles "from each child". Boy was that interesting. As I sorted the piles it was clear that the youngest had way more in her pile than the oldest child. I laughed at this as it seemed like justice. This is the opposite of the photo albums as the oldest certainly has more pictures than the baby of the family. So in the end I said to myself - this is all balancing all out somehow lol.

So what I have decided to do is to add my favourites to my scrapbook collection. Take all of the real special ones, the real funny ones and collage them into some scrapbook papers. What fun this has turned out to be. What laughter in these notes. Comments like "sorry I ate all the cookies mom... I love you, you are the best mom in the 'hole' wide world. I love you with all my 'hart'. I will always look after you!!" Spelling aside these notes give me flashbacks to the kids when they were little. It is funny how you only remember the good times and not all the work that was associated with being a parent of little ones.

Today I am glad they ate the cookies. I am sure I wasn't all that happy at the time because it just meant that I had to make more in a very busy time of my life. Or perhaps I had made them for that evenings dessert. But today, go for it... eat the cookies. Eat all the cookies. I will make more for you.

Today I give food and cookies away all the time. I still make lunches when asked. I make lunches for girlfriends and boyfriends too! I make special breakfasts for kids. Funny how things change.

And I am not getting notes anymore but I know that I am teaching them something more important. Sharing and giving. That is what a parent should be. Making the lives of their children easier. And I love doing it.

Oh they say thank you and I laugh saying... hey you never know when I may need a lunch when I am really really old. And you knows... that just might be true. But I know I will get it because they will remember what I did for them.

So to my kids.

I cherish all of your notes, your art work and I have selected several and have compiled a few scrapbook pages for us to walk down memory lane. They are here for you to share with your kids and for us to remember how blessed we are to have each other.

I love you. And remember - come over for some cookies. They are here waiting for you.

"The Mom"

Lessons from the HEART 4.0

I am going to write something that I feel that my kids will need to know and reference in the years to come. As the purpose of this blog is for my kids to resource when needed, it seems that the topic of depression is an important topic to write about. I am no expert on this topic but like 90% of the population who at one time or another, I have experienced days or moments or times of my life that could be characterised as sad, the blues or depression.

have never been medicated for any depression as I was really adamant that I would work thru anything. But please know, that there is nothing wrong with medication if you really really need it. Just make sure you really need it.

Your great grandmother Jones experienced a deep depression and I believe that this was passed on your my mother, your Grandma Allen. I am not sure if my mother's depression was environmental or genetic but your Grandma Allen was surely depressed. If I had to assess it myself, I believe that Grandma Allen had both environmental and situational depression. Environmental from the fact that she saw her mother behave like this so she deemed it to be normal (or beneficial) but also situational as her life certainly may have lead to a deep sadness and many regrets.

I experienced postpartum blues with you, Jamie. I hid it so well that no one not even your Dad knew that I had it. But I did. And it was tough and lasted for a few weeks. But I just worked thru it. It was not right perhaps to not get help but that was how I handled it. And if I had to do it all over again, I am sure that I would do it the same way again.

Having said all this, I do believe that the term depression is used too loosely in our western society. I need you to understand that everyone experiences sadness and the blues. Everyone feels down and lonely, and discouraged. Everyone feels like throwing in the towel from time to time. This is normal. Situations in your life will cause you to feel sadness. Deaths, divorces, empty nesting, loss of a job, parenting challenges, financial struggles, hormonal, boredom... so many things....can cause you to feel this way. And you may be sad for a long time or it may be just a day. It may truly be a depression but in more times than not, you are just having the blues.

Depression is when:

• hobbies and friends do not interest you


• you are exhausted all the time - all day long


• you feel like you are living in a black hole


• your eating, appetite, your sleeping habits all change


• you self loathe


• you may be in physical pain with aches


• it is more than sadness - it is a deep consistent relentless sadness


• you remove yourself from society

And depression lasts longer and is much stronger than sadness.

LESSONS from the HEART 4.0
So my children, when life's struggles hit you smack in the face and in my terms, you just do not feel like "playing today"... here is a list of things that have always helped me to bounce back.

From my perspective:

• Keep busy. Have a schedule and keep to it. Make a list of what you want to accomplish regardless of how small or meaningless the things on the list may seem to be.


• Get a job or get involved in volunteer work. Everyone needs a purpose and children can only be the purpose for a small portion of your life. Contribute to society.


• For my daughters - Get a good girlfriend - one that you can trust and tell your secrets too. It may be a sister or a friend, or even your mother. Someone you can really trust with you inner feelings.


• Journal. Write your feelings down. Even send yourself a letter.


• Pray. Faith will get you thru everything one day at a time. Write God a letter. Talk to your angels.


• Read a book - a good positive self-improvement book.


• Allow yourself one day in bed if you need to to feel sorry for yourself. Take a mental health sick day. But just one day. Then you need to literally kick yourself out of bed. You must get out of bed.


• Speak positive inner thoughts - you are stronger than this. Write them down if you need to remember them and read them frequently.


• AND don't feel like you are the only person going thru this and everyone else's lives are great. This is such a myth. EVERYONE has problems. Trust me on that one. Some are just more obvious than others.

REMEMBER what I have said: "everyone has a pile of shit in their life. Some days, the pile is just small and you easily skip over it and ignore it. Some days or even weeks it is huge and it takes so much energy to walk around it. But eventually you do. Just remember that every one's pile size changes. And yours will too!"

And keep in mind. If you never experience sad days, you can't experience happy days. You need to feel the opposite feeling to really cherish the contrasting feeling.

And when and if you ever feel really bad, know that I am here for you - one way or another I will be there for you! Be it in person or in these words written for you.

Love the 'MOM'.

CHRISTMAS BAKING & HOMEMADE CHOCOLATES .. it's a tradition

Well yesterday was my baking day for all of my traditional Christmas goodies. After my whirlwind week of travel and work, the last thing I wanted to do is spend a day cooking. But I did. I did it because Christmas is steeped in traditions and family and therefore I would not let my children down by not making my traditional selection of home made chocolates and cookies for Christmas Eve.

So off I went with my chocolate, my pecans and peanut butter... and out of those came my "home made turtles, millionaires fudge, buckeyes and almond toffee bark and more "-all the favourite sweets with my kids.

Every year, the kids dive into these treats and thoroughly enjoy them. And every year until I can cook no more, will I make them for them.

I thought of these traditions when I made my shortbread cookies. My Mom's recipe was used and I am so lucky to have received Mom's original cookie cutters. Mom gave these to me a few years ago when she passed the torch of shortbread cookies to me. She was getting to an age when she just didn't want to make one more batch of these cookies and so I was lucky enough to receive the cutters. When I was looking for my own set of cookie cutters I could never find ones that were perfect like Mom's. Mom's cutters were perfect in size and had all of the shapes that I wanted. So I was thrilled when Mom came to my house one day and gave these to me.

It is these small traditions that are important to me at Christmas. Regardless of where we are in life, I will keep these traditions alive and well. And I look forward to the new traditions that are created when I am baking cookies with my girls in their own homes with their own children.

I know that someday, I will be boxing up my chocolate molds and recipes and giving them to one of my daughters to carry on the tradition. But not yet..."I've got lots of cooking and baking left in me. "

So enjoy all the treats of Christmas.

And thanks Mom for the cookie cutters - they were used again this year.

Love
"the MOM"

CHRISTMAS 2009 It's here!

It is Christmas time and I am starting to get excited about this year. Things are starting to change as the kids are starting to think about their own traditions and their own families. But I am thrilled that this year our Christmas eve tradition continues.

So what is our tradition?

Well Christmas Eve we eat, laugh, open gifts, go back and eat some more, drink and then laugh some more. And did I say eat? Yes lots of wonderful food and appetizers.

This year we are going to have the Christmas eve party at Brittany's. Sounds great to me. Many of us will stay over night and everyone will wake up to coffee and my home made blueberry muffins - another Christmas morning tradition.

But I can't help but to look forward to the future. I am so looking forward to all the different Christmas's I will have in the next 40+ years (lol). I know that not everyone will be able to get together on Christmas Eve. As Grand kids come, they will take priority and should be in their own homes. So I wonder how many homes I will be invited to on Christmas eve???? lol But man, I can't wait to enjoy them all.

But back to this year. This year I am organized, shopping was done before December even started, menus written, house decorated and and even the stockings are filled- ready to be driven by Santa to Brittany's house.

I am looking forward to giving everyone their gifts. And yes I think I have spoiled them again. But I can so I will. I don't care about what I get anymore. I guess I have finally grown up. I have everything a MOM could need: 4 amazing healthy kids, my health, a great career, a great cozy little house, my Faith and lots of love.

Thank you Santa ... just bring things for my kids. Oh yes... don't forget my little dog. Silly me. She has a stocking as well. Some treats please?

"the Mom"

DYING...

One of the best Birthday gifts to me is this picture and message.
It states:

First, I was dying to finish my high school and start college
And then I was dying to finish college and start working
then I was dying to marry and have children
then I was dying for my children
to grow old enough
so I could go back to work
But then I was dying to retire
and now I am dying...
and suddenly I realized
I forgot to live.

Today is my 49th birthday and I look so forward to the next 40 years.
I will stop working only when my body stops
I will stop looking after my kids only when my mind stops working
I will stop.... only when I am forced to... and not before.

Love 'the MOM'

Thanksgiving 2009

I love HOLIDAYS. I love to cook. I love to have big family meals.

AND I love having my kids and their friends/partner's around. I love to hear them talk about their lives and what is going on with them. I am happy at HOLIDAYS.

Last night Jason was laughing so much that tears were rolling down his face.

Chelsea was laughing at Jason, then Brittany started to laugh as well.

I can't express to you how fortunate I feel and how I am thrilled I am that I have 4 kids.

I know that HOLIDAYS will be shared with other families as the kids find their life partners so that is why having 4 kids is fabulous. Jamie couldn't be here with us this Thanksgiving as she is in Kenya. This is going to happen. There are going to be times when not all of the kids can come. But at least with 4 kids, I will still have a couple of kids and families that will be able to make it. Ahhh. the beauty of 4 kids at last. lol

Today the day after Thanksgiving, there are still some kids here. 2 slept over. 1 boyfriend slept over and one arrived at lunch to raid the refrigerator for all of his favourite foods. Yup. I love it.

I love it when Jason pops in. I love it when I have my kids sleeping here. I love it when their friends are here.

I love HOLIDAYS. And as long as I am physically able to I will cook and bake for them.

I am so blessed to have my kids. 4 great people.

Man, I am so lucky.

So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for my 3 kids at Thanksgiving dinner table and Jamie who is the bravest person I know for volunteering in Kenya.

Ahhh, not too worry Jamie, another big family meal upon your arrival home.

Perfect.... another time that I can cook and bake and have a family meal.

love the MOM.

Transitions and Changes

It is the summer of 09. The Summer of change.


Before the summer started I instinctively sensed a new beginning. I told my partner at work one day... a change is coming. I can feel it. There was no fear or terror, it was a change in life that was to take place.
And it is was noticeable during my vacation week in July that the change has arrived as I spent time with my girls on their own.


My 4 kids and I used to be one entity. Regardless of where we lived, we were one family. But this summer, I know that that singular path we all walked has divided. I am walking slightly behind them. They are at a fork in the road. It feels like sometimes they turn around to wave at me, or ask me to come their way and then sometimes it feels like they don't even know I am there.

I am sure that to some of you this is very abstract and even crazy but I have always been able to feel and sense things that others couldn't. But it is more than sensing them. It is the reality of the summer of 09. The transition summer.


Jamie is heading towards a singular path of exploring and learning and deciding. There is no one else on her path and she likes it just that way. She is pushing thru her homesickness and learning how to deal with the unknown. She is searching and she will find it.


Brittany is on a traditional path - a bit of school is left but she is focused on building a household and home for herself and Brent. Her path is wide as it has room for 2 and more.


Jason is on his path of manhood and is sometimes a little reckless and carefree but he is still on the straight and narrow. He is the one who really doesn't look back too much. He is taking some leaps and bounds away from the clan. But when he looks back at me, he winks a special wink for me.


And Chelsea is slower to reach the fork in the road. She is in her last year of high school. It is like she is sitting at the beginning of the fork in the road and just planning and planning and thinking and thinking and having fun. Her new set of wheels has given her the freedom to choose what she is doing and where she is going. And she is growing up fast.

And then there is my path. The Mom. Slightly faded as it spreads gently over all 4 paths. There is a strong solid line inside my own path which is my own personal foot prints. I have my own path to follow but from time to time I crisscross back and forth to the paths of my kids but always returning to my own path.
And so it begins, the Transition. The summer of 09.


When the 'one' has turned into 5.


And I watch them go with a heavy heart but yet a proud heart.

The mere fact that all of them are able to walk towards the fork in the road and walk on their own path is the sign that I did good. I the MOM, did it. I prepared them well and they are ready to go off on their own.

Oh they will be back for brief visits but it will never be the same. We have a new reality.

And we will enjoy and love this new reality.